I went to the Zoo today.

I woke up feeling unusually refreshed, albeit a little groggy from the sleep medication. Yeah, I've resumed the sleeping pills and the Piroxicam pain killers. The depression that motivated me to stop those has passed. Not taking the Piroxicam was a real eye-opener. My recent preoccupation with understanding my mental infirmity made me forget I how much physical pain I'm in from the Interferon.

It was a sunny, fairly clear, and chilly day in The City. I resolved to go out in it when I remembered that I had a t-shirt to pick up at the Zoo. I had renewed my patronage some months earlier. I was going to pick up the shirt a couple of weeks ago but that got derailed by a manic fit. Anyway, I took a shower, the first in four days. The recent depression left its residuals, too. Note to Self: When your clothes organize and start demanding first amendment rights, it's time to take a shower and change them. Then it was hi ho, off we go, on the L-line to the Zoo.

It wasn't as difficult as I might have imagined. I didn't give myself a lot of time to imagine, on the other hand. I did not feel like people were staring at me on the tram. I did not feel self- conscious about being alone. I got shined by a couple of men, which was flattering. I was OK.

I love the Zoo. It's a small Zoo, you can see the whole place in a half-day, a day at a very leisurely pace. It's also a place where small children do not make me feel apprehensive. The parents of small children can be pretty obnoxious, at times. But this seemed to be a mostly SF crowd, and a small one at that. It was quiet and mellow. I did not feel conspicuous about being alone.

I've had difficulty adjusting to a single life. Small wonder. I have always had a lover in my life, a life partner. I cannot imagine myself dining alone or attending movies alone or doing almost anything alone. But for some reason this did not bother me at the Zoo.

The giraffes and kudus were out and grazing. The kudus had a baby during the fall, it was little and frisky with the boundless energy of youth. The giraffe bull ambled over to where the kudu bull was eating and the two exchanged glances. It was interesting to watch. I could almost imagine their conversation. ("Your kid?" "Yeah, he´s got a lot of spunk.")

I spent about two hours at the Zoo. I resisted the temptation to buy a sweatshirt that wasn't quite what I'm looking for. I also resisted the temptation to buy a hot dog, thank God. I headed back and became very nauseous on the tram. Fortunately, it's only a fifteen minute ride to my station. I was again reminded that I am indeed physically ill. Once in my neighborhood I was able to muster some remaining ergs to fetch my mail and buy some yogurt. I slept for three hours afterwards.

I finally turned my telephone on. I had a message from my doctor. It seems my white blood cell count is low again. The lab had forgotten to send these results to my specialist and he was concerned that I may need to begin Neupogen again. I called the specialist and, after getting the results faxed to him, he called back and confirmed this diagnosis. Sigh. The Neupogen is expensive - $50 a dose, which consists of two injections a week. He's ordering a two month supply. Still no news on my viral count. The Rubicon date is still January 22.

I'm tired and dizzy. It was a terrific day. I'll take small triumphs over no triumphs. It was a beautiful day. I reconnected to life and the world.