A problem with being a smoker is the mess. Try as I might I cannot keep from getting little bits of ash scattered all over the place. It drives me nuts – I like to keep the place orderly and clean. This reminds me that I recently received a brochure, Help for Addictions. My doctor has advised me to wait until late in the Spring of 2006 to quit smoking because of the stress in my life. Anyway, the brochure advocates Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). I wonder it will handle my growing addiction to cutting?

According to the brochure, EMDR can fix addictions to:

Opiates, Heroin, and Vicodin (I would trade a testicle for some Heroin right now)
Methamphetamine and Cocaine (Never liked speedy drugs.)
Nicotine (Th...Th....Th....That's Me, Folks!)
Sexual Compulsivity (I wish....)
Marijuana (Not a problem – It makes me paranoid.)
Alcohol (Already quit that. No EMDR was involved, however.)
Obsessive Overeating (Negatory.)
Gambling and Spending (Gambling bores me. Now spending...)

It doesn't appear that cutting is on the list. Too bad.

According to the brochure, an addiction can:

Be expensive, especially if long-term medical help might be required. (It cost me $48 for rubbing alcohol, medical tape, sterile gauze, and razor blades. If I keep this up I'll end up in the poor house.)
Increase overall stress and anxiety. (Cutting reduces my stress and anxiety.)
Cause personal shame once the gratification is over. (How so? Every boy needs a hobby, read Psychology Today if you don't believe me.)
Ruin physical health. (Sorry, the Interferon did that first. Besides, I'm very antiseptic.)
Stress relationships with loved ones and family. (Family dead. Wife gone after putting me in prison and suing me for every penny she can get. No one left to stress out, I'm afraid.)

I'm being brutally unfair to the author. I'm sure he means well and, for that matter, the EMDR system probably works really well for many people. I'll no doubt use it to quit smoking later in the year.

I think I may be a bit over the top for EMDR. Which puts me in an awkward position. You're supposed to talk to your therapist about anything in complete confidence. Unfortunately, because of legal complications, I cannot discuss suicide with him. I have to be pretty damn careful about what I post, for that matter. (I can imagine what my attorney would say, you posted personal information about your case and your mental condition on the fucking Internet?) And cutting sure looks a lot like baby steps leading to suicide. What would he do, I wonder? Would he try to deal with me privately or call in the Big Psychiatric Guns? Send me to an institution? It's risky no matter how I look at it.

But my psychotherapist is no dim bulb, either. He probably suspects that a whole honking pile of shit lives inside me. Nevertheless, the cutting belongs to me and no one else. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.